The T-shirt Corporation

This email from the good doctor was recieved only this morning. After much deliberation it was decided to publish it in its entirety, unedited. The title of this post is not the doctor’s.

Senor,
I apologise. I am in a rush. there is NO time. I submit my piece to
you in good faitth that you will do the right thing.

It’s been long and hard, but I MUST report. Findings were published at
the 16th Annual International Goat Researchers’ Christmas and New Year
Shindig that will shock the world, if the world knew. I am now in
hiding, on the run from the Collective. I have been running since the
Shindig came to an abrptu halt. I can’t say where i am. its not safe.
Never safe now. But let me start from the beginning.

The Shindig kicked off as it always does; wine, women, and wrestling.
The debauchery started on day two and by day three most of the
researchers present were too exhausted to listen to the planned
presentations so they were put off until day four. The Tahitian
weather was amazing. The local girls gave daily massages to all
present and were only too willing to provide a happy ending. But I
digress. Days four through to seven were set aside for speeches and
presentations. It was the standard affair, goat massaging, soothing
music for goats, goat weed cropping, framing goats for fun and profit,
no real difference to any other year really. That is until the day
seven. Day seven was dedicated to in-depth discussion of the recent
findings on peculiarities in goat behaviour reported on previously.

As expected, the presentation was met with alarm and even outrage by
many of those present. The Chairman of the International Goat
Researchers’ Organisation Sir William Charlton even dismissed his
ever-present concubines and involved himself in the uproar personally!
The Worldwide Goat Farmer’s Collective was quick to argue against the
claims put forth by the researchers. A scuffle broke out after three
hours of arguments and the Shindig wad officially declared to be over.

The Worldwide Goat Farmer’s Collective, hereon called the
‘Collective’, gathered its members and, I can state with much
certainty, planned to silence those researchers involved. I can only
guess that something big has was stumbbled on. We found three of the
seven original research team all dead. Their neck, oh! Its too
horrible to recall!

It took us some time to realise what happened of course. When things
becaome clear a line was drawn. Some of us stood on the side of truth,
like myself. We stood for getting the truth out to the people at
whatever cost. The others, it would seem, had ulterior motives. Maybe
money. Yes, money. If world gets out about what they are doing, what
is happening with the goats… oh! The ramifications will be HUGE!

We are still researching, finding information about the truth. Yes! We
don’t even know the full extent of it ourselves. I think it goes deep
though. Yes I shouldsay it does go deep.

I have been on the run. No sleep for six days now. Too much cofee.
Country to country, all over Aisa and the Pcific. Alll of us have!
There is no time. I fear even noew they are on to me. we have been
travelling ever since the Shindig. Always on the move. This is the
first time I have had a chance to write an update. I hope to do it
more often. We have set up ‘update stops’. The people must be
informed! We must keep them, you informede! I apologise for my
incoherence. I am typing very fast. I fear that we may not get the
message out but the people MUST KNOW!!

Senor, please publish the email quiclky. Publish my email addresse! We
crusaders gfor the truth must be contactible! I must go. I fear… they
are close!

Sincerely,

Dr. Juan Esquivel Dumilé

I can only hope that the doctor is in good health. No information is being withheld from publication. Everything the doctor has told me I have posted, unedited. I do not know his location nor when his next update will be. I’m also not too sure what he is talking about. Let us pray for his health and that time will reveal the true nature of his ramblings. As the doctor has requested I am publishing his email address.

An Introductory Report on Recent Findings on Peculiarities in Goat Behaviour
Dr. Juan Esquivel Dumilé
 

Goats have been an animal farmed by humankind for thousands of generations. A very tameable animal, this characteristic has led to its meat being the most widely consumed meat in the world today. However, in recent times many goat farmers (some of whom belonging to long-established goat-farming dynasties) have noted an increase in the erratic behaviour of their flocks. Recent findings by researchers published at the recent 17^th Annual International Goat Researchers Symposium have shocked the goat-farming world and the ramifications of this research will no doubt affect our dealings with the goat across the globe.
 

Contrary to popular belief, goats are in fact quite fussy eaters, dining on only the most select caviar and sipping only the finest of wines. They have a preference for fresh Russian beluga and specially ordered Cristal aged 27 years and imported directly from Milan, Italy, made with grapes grown in the legendary Chauvier Monastery located in the remote French highlands. Goats have also been known to occasionally splurge on consumption not directly beneficial to their well-being. Splurges are typically made on fresh Lebanese blonde (secretly grown by sharecroppers on land belonging to the Lebanese government with profits being siphoned off to help fund the Iraqi resistance effort) and raw Bolivian cocaine, chopped extremely finely with single-use medical scalpels so as not to harm their exceptionally sensitive nasal glands and snorted through diamond-encrusted 21 karat gold straws out of the arse-cracks of 2-month old male Moroccan goats purchased through international-operating Kazakhstan–based black-market labour traffickers.
 

Researchers have attributed the eccentricity of goat behaviour to goat rearing methods in earlier stages of childhood. It was recently revealed at the 17^th Annual International Goat Researchers Symposium that from birth, baby goats are told by their parents that they as a species have a divine right to all the luxuries the world has to offer. Upon the child goat reaching 3-months of age, most are let loose by their parents on all manner of lavish foods and exotic drugs hoarded since the time of marriage for the specific purpose of this exercise in child rearing. It is thus most probable that the opulent lifestyle enjoyed by goats is merely a function of the behaviours learned in these crucial first few months of life. Since this alarming discovery was made public, it has been proposed that separating goats at the time of birth from their parents to be raised on robotic feeders would overcome this problem, eventually having the effect of reducing the entire species into emotionally unstable, submissive, pathetic work creatures suited to exploitation by the human race for whatever humane and inhumane uses sick murderous bastards who wear hockey masks and call themselves Butch can think of. This proposal, however, was condemned by PETA, the WWF, and every other animal welfare agency in existence who would prefer to see goats live out their ‘natural’ Cristal-sipping, cocaine-snorting, orgy-enjoying lives without the interference of ‘well-meaning, but ultimately misguided’ scientist and animal fetishists.

Dr. Dumilé first submitted this article for publication roughly two months ago, but no one in their right mind would publish it. Then The T-shirt Corporation came along. We expect a follow-up article from the Doctor soon, following the ‘International Goat Researchers’ Christmas and New Year Shindig’, or something like that. -Señor Walrus